While raising three boys, my wife and I noticed something – food never lasted long around our house. After a trip to the grocery store, even when we came home with enough food to keep Patton’s Third Army going for a month, we would walk into the kitchen the next day and find the pantry empty. Those of you who have allowed teenagers to live in your home may have had similar experiences.
We accused our children, at times, of inhaling their meals, but we were mostly kidding about that. We didn’t really believe our boys were breathing food into their bodies, it just seemed that way, as fast as a meal would disappear. But now, thanks to a Massachusetts company called AeroShot, it may soon be possible. I mean, it may be possible to inhale food, not keep a pantry stocked, with teenagers in the house. I don’t think anyone will ever figure out a way to do that.
AeroShot already has a product out called AeroShot Energy, available in about 20,000 stores in the U.S. This is inhalable caffeine. It comes in small, plastic tubes, and all you have to do is take off the cap, stick the tube in your mouth, and inhale. Everyone who has tried AeroShot Energy to date has died.
Not really! No one has died from breathing hundred-milligram shots of caffeine directly into their lungs! As far as you know! At least not according to the story written by Kindra Gordon for Cattle Business Weekly, and sent in by my friend, Patrick Wentworth. But then, AeroShot wants to sell this stuff. Plus, I’m sure it’s been checked out by the FDA, the EPA, the PTA, and the Mayberry RFD, and has been approved for human inhalation. So there’s that.
When I told my wife about AeroShot Energy, and suggested that it might save a lot of coffee drinking time every morning, she looked at me like a sheep killing dog. She point out that she was not looking for an alternative to drinking coffee, and indicated that she would not take advantage of one if offered. I managed a hasty retreat without getting a Folger’s can knot on my head, but it was close.
The interesting thing about the article, to me, was the news that AeroShot is not stopping at inhalable caffeine. The company is working on breathable vitamins and supplements, and even breathable food. They already have a tube with chocolate in it, sold online, although I’m thinking it would be defeating the purpose a little to go that route. ‘For those who want to gain the weight without the inconvenience of having to actually taste that nasty Hershey bar, there’s AeroShot Chocolate.’
Actually, I think you’re supposed to pour the chocolate powder into your mouth, instead of inhaling it, so that might not be a bad thing. I haven’t tried it yet, but that’s only because AeroShot hasn’t sent me any yet. If they do send me some, I promise to let my son, Leret, take the first shot. Teenagers will eat anything.
Those of you who have observed these adolescents in their natural habitat, however, will realize that their favorite food is pizza. No one knows what it is about pizza that makes it so appealing to teenagers, but I understand Stephen Hawking is looking into that. Or maybe it’s Al Gore.
The point is that AeroShot is working on creating inhalable pizza in a tube. I assume they’ll roll it very tightly. This will allow high school students to avoid those irritating hunger pangs they have every ten minutes or so. Have to sit through algebra class, and it’s two hours until lunch? No problem. Just open up the tube and inhale a pizza. Mozzarella cheese not included.
But I’m thinking this idea would be really handy on hunting, fishing, camping, and especially backpacking trips. Granted, cooking over a campfire is one of the best things about being on such a trip, so most of the time I’d probably rather eat the old fashioned way. I doubt AeroShot will be offering roasted marshmallow power in a tube anytime soon, anyway. Still, the food powder might have its place.
One of the most limiting aspect of backpacking, besides actually carrying a backpack, is food. Carrying enough food for an extended trip is always difficult. Freeze dried meals are OK, and affordable if you’re using Bill Gates’ credit card. Dehydrated soup is OK, but that gets old after a while. And both of those, while compact, still take up space and add weight.
So inhalable food might be the wave of the future, espeically for those wackos who climb really tall rocks, where they have to camp overnight on portaledges hanging from nails they’ve driven into the cliff. But then, who cares whether those nuts eat or not? They can’t possibly expect to live very long, anyway.
So I’m looking forward to seeing what AeroShot comes up with. I’m always willing to try new things. Well, as long as I can test them out on teenagers, first . . .
Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who once inhaled a fillet mignon, but rarely brags about it. Write to him at PO Box 1600, Mason, Texas 76856 or firstname.lastname@example.org