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The Idle American
"Best of Times, Worst of Times..."
Wednesday, September 25, 2013 • Posted September 25, 2013

Given that timing is everything, the Lone Star State’s flagship universities—The University of Texas and Texas A&M University—are once again at extremes. Could UT have picked a worse time to get its own TV sports network up and running? Or could the Aggies have selected a better time to get their own law school?

At UT, they’d love to be “caught on the horns of a dilemma,” but this isn’t possible, since mascot Bevo is now “hornless,” having given up one to Brigham Young and the other to Ole’ Miss. So much for the 2013 UT football team lighting up the Longhorn TV network.

Remember when angry fans bombarded NBC with phone calls protesting interruption of a professional football game’s final minute with the movie “Heidi?” Well, word has it that hardcore UT fans are signing petitions for the Longhorn Network to show “Heidi” instead of UT football games….

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Meanwhile, my 101-year-old Uncle Mort thinks Aggie brain trusts were brilliant in buying Texas Wesleyan University’s law school.

With NCAA rumblings, adaptation to new membership in the Southeast Conference, and Texas A&M attempts to keep its star football player on the “straight and narrow,” he believes they can keep the law school busy running two shifts—maybe three.

My uncle may be defying the aging process. At age 101, when dying brain cells typically accelerate, his seem to be multiplying….

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Mort opines the law school might do well if its scope is limited to athletic issues. He figures it could clock many hours defending Oklahoma State concerning football infractions alleged by Sports Illustrated.

Texas Coach Mack Brown might well be a client as well, what with his fortunes sagging.

Worst case, Mort says, is that if and when the law school no longer is needed, they can “flip it,” like high rollers in real estate….

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Danny Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins, may need Aggie Law School help with his latest hot potato. Many Native Americans insist that the team take on a name other than “Redskins.”

Snyder has dug in his heels, and the arrows of many quivers may fly before this issue is settled. (Watching from the sidelines are the Kansas City Chiefs, holding their breath that their mascots continue to blaze trails under the radar.)…

The NCAA has pressed the issue with numerous smaller schools that had “Indians” as mascots. McMurry University in Abilene and Midwestern University in Wichita Falls no longer are “Indians.” Bigger universities with stronger alumni bases—like Florida State University— seem untouchable….

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Such reminds me of the Indian tribe that built an airport in record time. National politicos were astounded that it was finished months early and millions of dollars under budget.

“How did you manage it?” a senator questioned the chief.

“We didn’t get bogged down in white tape,” he responded….

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The way pets are being pampered, it may soon become common for angry pet owners to sue veterinarians.

“The Aggie fleet of lawyers would be most helpful in defending malpractice suits if Fido don’t make it,” Mort clucked.

I heard of one visionary Aggie who had a double major in doctoral study—veterinary medicine and taxidermy. His printed cards had this message: “Either way, you get your dog back.”…

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Known more for his money-losing schemes that were supposed to be “get rich quick” plans, Mort admits that Johnny Manziel’s brilliant play in the Aggies’ single TD loss to Alabama may have cost him a bundle.

“I was about to come out with a ‘block-head’ doll for ‘Mr. Football,’ but now don’t have the heart to do it,” he moaned. I asked him if he perhaps meant “bobble-head doll.”

“Read my lips,” Mort repeated. “’block-head’ doll.”…

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Now, he’s working on a Manziel doll with interchangeable heads—one that bobbles for outstanding play and another for non-game days that simply stares back—as block-heads do.

“So far, his play on the field has dazzled, easily qualifying for ‘bobble-head’ status,” Mort admits. “But ‘block-head’ best fits his zany away-from-the-game antics covered well by sports media.”

My uncle thinks strongest sales will be to Longhorn fans. Mort predicts they’ll buy the doll, then toss out the “bobble-head,” greatly favoring the “block-head” option….

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Dr. Newbury is a speaker in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex. Speaking inquiries/comments to: newbury@speakerdoc.com. Phone: 817-447-3872. Web site: www.speakerdoc.com. Twitter: @donnewbury.

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