Grand View Outdoors is, as far as you know, an outdoor news agency out of Birmingham, Alabama. I must’ve signed up for their news feed at one time or another, so I get emails from them two or three times a week. The emails contain links to news items related to outdoor issues, and sometimes they’re very helpful. The emails don’t contain links to free money. I checked.
As with all news services, headline space is limited. Well, it’s really not, on emails, but editors like to keep headlines tight, so readers don’t get bored before they even get into the actual stories. The brevity of headlines often makes for some interesting email titles, which I’m mentioning here to take up some space in this column.
A recent Grand View Outdoors email title said, ‘Moose Attacks Man, Shoots Back & Severed Bear Head Found.’ Which is an interesting headline. Makes it sound like the moose attacked, the man shot at him, and the moose shot back at the man. Which is unlikely.
The bear head was found on top of a building in Elizabeth City, North Carolina, and I guess for that to be news it must not happen a lot, regardless of what you might think about what goes on in North Carolina. Nobody knows how the bear head got up there, under an air conditioner unit, but that doesn’t matter anyway, since I’m not all that interested.
The moose story was far better, I think. When I clicked on the link, a new window opened up with the story from Bowhunting World online, which was headlined, ‘VIDEO: Moose attacks man while snowmobiling.’ The plot thickens. The moose not only shot back at the man, but the moose was also riding a snowmobile at the time. At least, that’s what the headline says. Sometimes I wonder if the people who write those headlines are familiar with the English language, or if they write them like that on purpose.
The video was actually far more enlightening, as it was made with a helmet camera worn by the man riding the snowmobile, and not the moose, who wasn’t acutally riding anything. The moose was also unarmed, which was quite a relief. Mooses are dangerous enough without packing firearms around.
This moose, in particular, seemed to have had a generally poor attitude toward snowmobilers, although it’s hard to blame him. Those things are noisy, and if people started riding them through my living room I might get snippy, myself. This moose was standing in the obvious snowmobile trail, and the man stopped about 50 yards away and started shouting at it to try to get it to move. It did. Toward him.
The moose actually got within about 6 feet of the machine before it stopped and backed off a ways, but then it came again, and jumped up over the handlebars and kicked the man in the chest. Then it backed off about 20 yards again, while the man pulled out a square, Glock-looking pistol and charged it. Then the moose came at him again, so he shot about 4 times and put the moose down. Which was bad news for the moose, but probably saved the man’s life. That moose weighed about 1000 pounds.
I’ve been trying to find out where this took place, so on my next trip I can go somewhere else, but all the story says is ‘out west.’ Even the fish & game authorities don’t know for sure what’s going on, as they seem to have issued requests for information. So if you know anything about this, you might want to call someone. Don’t call the moose. He’s a goner.
Another email from Grand View Outdoors was titled, ‘Watch Boar Charge Hunter & Build Shooting Sticks.’ Seriously? I think, just for the sake of effort, the people who write these headlines should be writers. Boars can’t build shooting sticks. I opened the email, and found that the title referred to two different stories, but the headline made it sound like, well, you know.
I didn’t even open any of those stories out of spite. I did, however, open a story from another Grand View email entitled, ‘Senator’s Gun Charges & Frogs Are Croaking.’ Big news. But I opened that one because it had a story with the headline, ‘Chippewa Ask 7th Circuit To Allow Night Deer Hunt.’ (Hunting deer at night is illegal.)
The Chippewa indians around Madison, Wisconsin evidently think they should be allowed to legally shoot deer at night, because, and this is the really interesting part, they want to. I guess a similar case could be made for me being allowed to shoot deer year round, on that basis.
The Chippewas make a good point, though – they already shoot deer at night, so the authorities should just go ahead and make it legal. Why not? Matter of fact, why have game laws at all? That would make things a lot easier.
If the authorities cave, I’m thinking they should also go ahead and let the deer shoot back, like the moose did . . .
Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who never hunts armed meese. Write to him at PO Box 1600, Mason, Tx 76856 or firstname.lastname@example.org