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The Interview
Wednesday, May 7, 2014 • Posted May 9, 2014

Now that Piers Morgan is gone, I’m disappointed. There are several reasons for this, but the biggest one is that I never got a chance to be on his show. Not that I want to be that close to him, but of all the gun rights advocates I ever saw in debate with Morgan, none of them ever asked the questions I would have asked, or brought up the points I think are the most pertinent. Not that I think he would listen to me, anyway, but I would have loved a shot at him. The interview would have gone something like this:

Morgan: Welcome to my show, Mr. Hemphill. Please try to comprehend my funny accent while I act concerned about people I care nothing about.

Me: Great to be here, you blighter.

Morgan: So, Mr. Hemphill, in light of all the horrible mass shootings in America, tell me why anyone needs an assault weapon.

Me: To commit assault, of course.

Morgan: Excuse me?

Me: You can’t commit a respectable assault without an assault weapon. (Picking up pencil) For instance, this is a pencil. If I poke you in the eye with it, it becomes an assault pencil. Plus Joel would give me ten bucks.

Morgan: We’re talking about AR-15s.

Me: Oh. Well, those aren’t assault weapons, unless used as such. Assault is a verb, not a noun. You need to be clear.

Now, we, in America, don’t need a whiny Limey over here telling us what to do, but we have one. But need has nothing to do with my second amendment rights, anyway.

Morgan: But children are dying because of these rifles. Why not ban them?

Me: What children?

Morgan: Twenty-two kids were killed at Sandy Hook, or hadn’t you heard?

Me: That didn’t happen.

Morgan: What?

Me: That didn’t happen. That school was a gun free zone, so no one shot anyone there.

Morgan: You’re an incredibly stupid man, aren’t you?

Me: Yes, but I’m smart enough to know guns weren’t allowed in the school at Sandy Hook. Did that keep those kids safe?

Morgan: What?

Me: Guns were banned there. A guy brought guns there and shot kids. So did the gun ban do them any good?

Morgan: So you don’t think guns should be banned from schools?

Me: You’re an incredibly stupid man, aren’t you?

Morgan: This is ridiculous.

Me: I agree.

Morgan: What?

Me: Banning guns at Sandy Hook didn’t make those kids safe, because they were killed. So how would banning guns anywhere make anyone safe?

Morgan: Are you serious?

Me: Are you? Is your goal to make kids safe from guns, or to keep kids alive?

Morgan: It’s the same thing.

Me: The stupid line again.

Morgan: But guns are killing children.

Me: So you want to save children? Why not ban swimming pools? At least five times as many kids drown in pools every year as die gun-related deaths.

Morgan: But swimming pools aren’t designed to kill people.

Me: No, they’re designed to drown children who can’t swim. The result is the same, only far worse than guns.

Morgan: This is absurd. Swimming pools are quite pleasant to sit beside while having a Dewar’s. They’re made to enjoy, they’re not a device of death.

Me: Tell that to the kids who’ve drowned. Besides, my guns are made to enjoy. I enjoy them. And they’ve never killed anyone.

Morgan: So your position is to ban swimming pools and put guns into schools. That’s preposterous.

Me: Yes, but it will save kids’ lives. Your way isn’t working.

Morgan: My way is to take the guns off the streets. Of course it would work.

Me: How do you plan to do that?

Morgan: First you have to ban these assault rifles and high capacity ammunition clips.

Me: Then what?

Morgan: What?

Me: How do you get these banned guns off the streets?

Morgan: Police would confiscate them.

Me: From who? The only guns the police can find are the legal ones, the ones never used in crimes. How do you get them away from criminals?

Morgan: This is absurd.

Me: Of course it is. The criminals will still have their guns, the only ones likely to be used in crimes.

Morgan: Eventually the police will be able to collect all the guns used in crimes and, Bob’s your uncle, that will be that.

Me: Are there still homicides committed with guns in England?

Morgan: Yes, but far fewer than in the U.S.

Me: So, fifteen years after the total ban of guns in England, people are still being killed with guns. Meanwhile, innocent people are unable to protect themselves. Not working out for you too well, huh?

Morgan: They don’t need protection.

Me: Really? Even though the homicide rate in England is far higher than that in the U.S.? Criminals don’t need guns there, because their victims are unarmed.

Morgan: We’re out of time, and you’re an incredibly stupid man.

Me: You’re half right. Which is pretty good, for a halfwit.

No, Morgan would never agree I’m right. But his pathetic efforts to deny my facts would prove his profound wrongness. Which would be obvious to anyone smarter than linoleum.

Now that CNN has canned him, I’ll never get a chance to do the interview. It’s probably just as well. I’d never be able to understand his accent, anyway . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who is hard of hearing from shooting too many guns to hear what the gun grabbers say. Write to him at PO Box 1600, Mason, Tx 76856 or

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