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Outdoors Outpost
Hat Trick
Wednesday, May 21, 2014 • Posted May 25, 2014

Our first news item for today, which is making huge waves and causing angry, spittle-slinging arguments in the ongoing, emotionally-charged debate between the pro-gun and anti-gun camps is – hats. Yes. Hats.

You wouldn’t think hats would be a major topic of discussion with this issue, unless we’re talking about a real version of the Roy Rogers Quick Trigger Shooter Hat that was wildly popular among American boys during the 1950s. This was a white ‘cowboy’ style hat that had a little toy derringer inside of it. When someone snuck up on the wearer of this hat, and got the drop on him, he could take off the hat and turn it upside down toward the villian, and the derringer would pop out and shoot, thereby catching the bad guy off guard. You can find a commercial for this hat on YouTube, and I highly recommend watching it.

For the record, if such a hat existed, there’s no way I would put one on my head. In the retracted position, if the derringer happened to go off, it would part your hair at best, and at worst make an unpleasant groove down the middle of your brain. And it would have to be cocked at all times to be effectively used as intended. Carrying loaded, cocked guns, which have no trigger guards, in my hat, is not my idea of maintaining peace of mind. Maybe losing piece of mind. Not good.

But that’s not the hat that’s causing the problems. Those belong to Mr. Colion Noir, whose new web TV show, ‘Noir,’ recently began airing on the NRA network. It has the antis in a self-righteous huff. Noir is a spokesman for the NRA, and he’s become popular during the past couple of years because of his short pro-gun videos that point out the antis’ lack of common sense.

Only two shows have aired as I write this, and I only saw the first one. I thought it was, well, not totally outstanding. I’m being nice, but I expect Noir and his co-host, Amy Robbins, will get better. I hope so, because I don’t think they can get a lot worse. Still, they did a better job than I could do.

The anti-gun folks are pretty much apopleptic about Noir in general, and ‘Noir’ (the show) in particular. It’s been blasted relentlessly since it aired. The gun ban crowd has been angry about Noir being chosen as an NRA spokesman for a long time, though, so there’s no way they’re going to allow a less than stellar television debut pass without comment.

But what surprised me was the complaints about Noir’s hats. In his YouTube videos, and now on his TV show, Noir wears various examples of his obviously extensive collection of baseball caps. Which I never really notice, because I don’t care, but I guess if you’re looking for something to complain about, hats are as good as anything.

One detractor, ‘Think Progress,’ complained that the hats must have been chosen to make Noir look more ‘accessible-urban.’ Whatever that means. And no, I really don’t know what it means.

‘Gawker,’ which is probably the least impressive label I’ve ever seen, said, “How trustworthy is this Colion Noir? Put another way: Who in good conscience can wear a Yankees hat . . . and a Phillies hat? A (expletive deleted) poser, that’s who.”

Ah, I don’t mean to sound nit-picky, especially when I’m complaining about the nit-pickiness of others, but . . . what? Noir is not to be trusted because he wears hats with logos of teams that have rivalries? This is your complaint? Seriously?

Now, unless I’m mistaken, politicians do far worse every day, and they’re supposed to be a lot more responsible and respectable than a talking head on a web TV show. They play both ends agains the middle constantly. And although I would never wear a Yankees hat, I would also never wear a Phillies hat, so I can’t see why it matters what someone else chooses to put on their head. Well, unless it’s got a gun in it, maybe.

Our other news item for today falls under the ‘They Spent My Money On What!?’ category. It seems the U.S. Gubmint has invested a substantial amount of your tax dollars to have detailed plans drawn up for dealing with a ‘Zombie Apocalypse.’ I really wish I was kidding. It’s called ‘CONOP 8888,’ and it includes an actual drawing of a real zombie, to lend authenticity, I guess. Plus, the front page of the plan says, “This plan was not actually designed as a joke.” This is the government equivalent of ‘Don’t laugh.’ It goes on to declare that members of a USSTRATCOM were talking about a JOPP, and thought, hey, let’s plan to save the world from zombies.

I have no idea what any of those letters mean and, God willing, I will never find out.

All I know for sure is that, if a zombie ever gets the drop on me, I hope I’m wearing my Roy Rogers Quick Trigger Shooter Hat . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who wears gimme caps that are empty, except for his head. Which is not necessarily much fuller. Write to him at PO Box 1600, Mason, Tx 76856 or

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