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Gorilla My Dreams
Wednesday, July 16, 2014 • Posted July 18, 2014

Our ‘Question of the Day,’ alluded to by informed reader Patrick Wentworth, is – Are the people in charge of peta really aliens from planet Wingnut? Or what?

This is an interesting suggestion, especially in light of some of the articles Pat sent in as evidence that the peta hierarchy, while they’ve always hovered at the fringes of society and acceptability, has lately degenerated into space cadets of the first water. And while it’s difficult to believe anyone, even a nut, could come up with the crazy stuff peta does, it’s even more difficult to imagine anyone being dumb enough to swallow any of it. My answer can only be, ‘No, they’re not aliens.’ But bear in mind that I have no proof of that.

One story Pat sent was written by Michael Rundle, and published in the Huffpost Tech, UK. The title was ‘peta Call For Ethical Treatment Of Zergling Alien Killing Machines.’ Huffpost, of course, capitalized ‘peta,’ but my opinion is that, when the group begins to act like adults, I’ll go to the trouble to hit the shift key. Not before.

Now, if you, like many Americans, have a life, you probably have no idea what a Zergling Alien Killing Machine is. I certainly didn’t. I had to actually read the article to find out. Well, I scanned it, anyway.

As it happens, Zerglings are creatures in a video game, and players have to kill them in order to win the game. And peta doesn’t want gamers to do that. Because the Zerglings look somewhat like animals. Seriously. There’s a picture of one of the creatures, and the claim that ‘Zerglings have feelings, too.’

Bear in mind that peta has not, to my knowledge, implored gamers to refrain from killing video game characters that represent people. Ever. But we don’t have time to dwell on that, because Pat sent some other articles about peta that fall under the ‘You’re Not Gonna Believe This’ category.

Beef Daily published an article in May, written by Amanda Radke, entitled ‘Should peta Be Allowed To Memorialize Animal Deaths On Roadsides?’ This peta scam is nothing new, but they’ve pulled it enough now that it’s getting a little annoying. The latest attempt concerns 11 cows killed in a truck accident near Berne, New York.

A local paper ran a poll, asking if peta should be allowed to put up a 10-foot tombstone in the ditch where the cows died, and the great majority of responders are in favor. Which may mean they agree with peta, or it may mean they want peta to spend the money on the stone so they’ll have something to shoot at as they drive by. You never know, in rural New York.

This is nowhere near the first time peta has applied to put up a memorial for animals killed in wrecks. They’ve tried the same thing in Georgia, Illinois, and Virginia, and have been turned down each time. They recently renewed a request to erect a monument in Utah for 700 turkeys killed in a crash there. That’s not going so well for them.

The only animal memorial peta has been allowed to put up is one for some cattle in Wisconsin, where no laws restrict such nonsense. I’m sure that will change.

The big question, however, is what peta will do if the fellow shot with a tranquilizer gun at a zoo in Tenerife, Spain dies. I’m sure the incident is causing no end of hand wringing and bed wetting among peta leaders.

This would not be an issue with peta, of course, since they don’t care a whit about humans, but the guy happened to be wearing a gorilla suit at the time of his unfortunate tranking. He worked at the Loro Parque zoo, and was wearing the gorilla costume during a drill to simulate a ‘loose gorilla’ scenario. But then, who hasn’t done that?

A veterinarian, with a full two months on the job, saw the ‘loose gorilla,’ didn’t know the drill was going on, and did what any vet would do in that situation. And then he managed to ignore his soggy pants long enough to shoot the ‘gorilla’ full of enough sedative to put down a 400-pound knuckle-dragger.

The articles I’ve read about this incident didn’t say whether the vet was packing the tranquilizer gun around, just in case, or if he had to go get it. Either way, I think he deserves a pat on the back for his quick thinking and steely aim during a deadly crisis, albeit a crisis that didn’t actually exist. And then he deserves a Leroy Jethro Gibbs-type whack on the back of the head. Because he’s an idiot.

I say that with the utmost respect, of course, but really, how good a vet can the guy be, if he can’t tell the difference between a gorilla and a man in a gorilla suit? If I made that mistake, OK, no big deal. I’m rarely around gorillas. But this guy is supposed to be an animal expert. For crying out loud.

Anyway, I think peta should step up to the plate, here, and make an effort, especially if the gorilla guy dies. Because although he will die as a man, he was shot in the line of duty as a gorilla. And if you’re going to go to bat for electronic, imaginary Zerglings, why not do the same for existing, simulated gorillas?

And if peta doesn’t come through on this, I say we send them back to planet Wingnut, where they came from . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who owns a gorilla suit. Really. Write to him at PO Box 1600, Mason, Tx 76856 or

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