Mason County News
Weather Fair 81.0°F (47%)
THE IDLE AMERICAN
Wednesday, July 21, 2010 • Posted July 21, 2010

Mid-Summer Potpourri…

July can be both hazy and crazy, and my Uncle Mort’s 98th birthday party down in the thicket fits both of the rhyming words.

Pride-swollen that he used only six of his ten minutes allotted for candle-blowing, he blew the extra time rambling through his "impromptu response."

Though a far cry from the "over the top" party NBA star LeBron James orchestrated to herald his change of address, the party was backdrop for Mort’s surprise announcement that even stunned Aunt Maude. His wife of 80 years usually can finish his sentences, interpret his dreams and predict his excuses. (She even knows how many grunts precede his deepest snoring, and how many kicks it takes to slow him down, mute him completely or at least re-direct the noisy blast to the opposite wall.) This time, her "peepers" were pie-sized at the party with her partner’s paunchy pals….

* * * * *

Mort announced that come September, he’ll enter the "writing side" of literature.

He’s already nailed down the title—Mort’s First Hundred Years of Potpourri—and now is on the homestretch "assembling the words between the covers."

He claims that "potpourri" in the title will cause a run on dictionaries….

* * * * *

His marketing plan calls for an initial printing of 50 copies, all to be given to kin. A month later, another 50 will go to friends, and the next 50 will adorn the "please take one" table at the senior center.

Then comes his publicity raves that his "best-seller is in its fourth printing in just four months!"

His "pronouncement" barely dented conversations around the punch bowl concerning basketballer "King James."…

* * * * *

Mort’s flock "has no truck" for the manner LeBron chose to harness ESPN for infliction of an outright infomercial. The team owner just wishes that James’ play for the Cavaliers had been as "cavalier" as his exit.

One guest summed up James with the old axiom that "there but by the grace of God walks God."

Someone else offered a pair of intriguing thoughts: 1) that LeBron and British Petroleum may share the same PR firm, and 2) that if the star ever writes a book, a title suggestion is Humility and How I Alone Attained It....

* * * * *

One attendee predicted a big drop-off of King James Bible sales in Ohio, but offered a plan for Cleveland’s inventory of LeBron’s bobble-head dolls. "They can add hatpins and peddle them as ‘voodoo dolls’ next season."

Another guest said his jaw dropped lowest when James predicted the "road to history begins now." Maybe James was thinking of the "pathway to hell" being paved with good intentions. (This quotation is attributed to Saint Bernard of Clairvaux, almost a thousand years ago.)

This reminded one party guest of his recent dream about Heaven. "I dreamed that new arrivals are shocked to find that all streets are not paved with gold, that most of the streets aren’t even paved and that they’re expected to help pave them."…

* * * * *

Mort predicts that the Miami Heat will become to the NBA what the Yankees are to major league baseball.

"Miami will become the team fans love to hate," he claims. Meanwhile, much of Ohio weeps with tears of flood stage proportions, sad that no professional sports team from Cleveland has won a title in almost a half-century. "The last time we won, the telecast wasn’t even in color," one fan lamented, remembering that the "vertical hold" knobs on most sets were worn smooth out.

Mort cocked his head about LeBron’s promise to "take the Heat to a different level." Reassured that Miami remains situated at sea level, he wondered if the Heat will yell down at us from the sky, or "gurgle up" from the Atlantic Ocean? He laughed about "keys to the cities" given to James by South Florida municipalities, noting that in Cleveland, "they’re changing the locks."…

* * * * *

My uncle admits his views of James will change if the star should decide to underwrite the cost of my uncle’s book. (Mort is already busy jotting down quotes that’ll be "suitable for framing," as well as for embroidering.)

"I may let you try some of ‘em out in your column, nephew," he laughed, scribbling notes on an envelope, including: "Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity," and "People who insist on a ‘business as usual’ approach to life soon will be out of business."

Meanwhile, this writer is putting pen and pad away for vacation. Please notice there’s no "well-deserved" in front of "vacation."…

* * * * *

Dr. Newbury is a speaker in the Metroplex. Comments/inquiries to: newbury@speakerdoc.com. Phone: 817-447-3872. Website: www.speakerdoc.com.

This article has been read 43 times.
Comments
Readers are solely responsible for the content of the comments they post here. Comments do not necessarily reflect the opinion or approval of Mason County News. Comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.
Comments powered by Disqus