A fellow once told me that some people are like Slinkys. They’re not really good for anything, but you just can’t help but smile when you push them down the stairs. The folks at peta are like that.
Once in a while I check out peta’s website, to see what total gooberheadedness they’ve come up with lately. I really never expect a lot, but the peta folks almost always surprise me. This time they’ve just about outdone themselves. Which is saying a lot, considering we’re talking about a bunch of knuckleheads who once tried to get people to call fish ‘sea puppies.’
One of the latest rants on the peta site is about a donkey named Anapka. Strangely, peta didn’t complain about someone giving a donkey a hideous name like Anapka. What they did take umbrage to was that someone strapped the donkey to a parasail and gave her a half hour ride, for a promotional stunt.
The funny thing, when peta comes out with some strange thing to complain about, is the comments after the stories. The peta site is evidently frequented by some of the most intellectually challenged people on the planet. If Bill Engvall has any of those signs left over, I know where he can unload them.
Someone named Andrea wrote "stupids russians." Whatever that means. A woman named Marie wrote "stop stop hurt donkeys." And those are some of the more lucid comments. I’m not even going to mention the fact that people pay pretty big bucks to get to go parasailing, and this donkey got to do it for free.
Another big peta item of recent note blasted Kristy Lee Cook, who was a finalist on American Idolatry, and now has her own hunting program on Versus television. The main complaint is that Kristy’s show, Goin’ Country, is mainly about her and her family traveling around and hunting. The peta people object.
Their scathing article says, in part, "It sounds like she must have had those tired old defenses of hunting hammered into her as a kid, because she isn’t embarrassed to float the incredibly old saw that hunters somehow help animals."
I’ll just interject, here, the fact that about 90 percent of the money used to fund wildlife research, protect habitat, and enforce game laws comes directly from hunters. I will also point out that neither peta, nor any other animal rights organization, has ever done anything, not one thing, that helped animals in any way. They spend their money on ads and websites claiming to care deeply. Plus they kill puppies. You can look it up.
So peta has its collective knickers in a twist over Kristy’s hunting show. The story says Kristy should follow the example Carrie Underwood has set. Evidently Underwood is a vegetarian. Big whup.
Now, I don’t have anything against Carrie Underwood, or her veganness, as long as she doesn’t slop it on anyone else. And she’s a very good singer. You may recall a pretty popular song she came out with a while back called ‘Jesus Take the Wheel.’
Well, a fellow named Tim Hawkins did a parody of Jesus Take the Wheel called ‘Cletus Take the Reel,’ and it’s about a bazillion times better than the original. You can look it up on You Tube, but it’s basically the story of Tim fishing with his friend, Cletus, who was asleep in the boat. Tim hooks a big bass, but gets a cramp, and can’t reel it in. So he throws his rod up and, well, I just get all choked up every time I hear it.
But I digress. The comments on the peta website about Kristy and her hunting show were probably about what you would expect from a bunch of wimps who thoughtlessly murder asparagus. You know, ‘how horrible,’ ‘how cruel,’ ‘I cried for days when I heard about this,’ etc. My favorite was from someone named litany, who wrote, and I quote, "well that was sure not exspected from her what a disapoinment well i dislike her very much now."
The real jackpot comes when the bunny huggers get to taking shots at each other, as happened recently when peta ran a story about John McCain (R-AZ) and Tom Coburn (R-OK) exposing government funding of such stupid research projects as giving cocaine to monkeys. The peta folks LOVE McCain now, but when one commented that we need to worry about humans first, another one got snippy. Kelly wrote, "we need to worry about humans first? Really? This attitude pretty much sums up the problem with the world and why horrific animal abuse runs rampant. Your speceism is disgusting and certainly hope you are not a member of peta."
Readers sometimes (not often) tell me I should ease up on peta, since they’re just trying to promote what they believe is right. But when I see stuff like this I realize I could never, no matter how hard I tried, point out the stupidity of these space cadets as eloquently as they do it themselves.
To paraphrase Ronald Reagan – The trouble with our peta friends is not that they’re ignorant, it’s that they know so much that just isn’t so . . .
Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who would welcome a debate with any peta spokesperson, anywhere, anytime. Write to him at PO Box 1600, Mason, Tx 76856 or firstname.lastname@example.org