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Epidemic of Paranormal Aliens
Wednesday, October 20, 2010 • Posted October 20, 2010

Perhaps you’ve seen the video, which is making the email rounds, of Congressman Hank Johnson (D-Pluto) who represents the 4

Rep. Johnson has been accused, because of the video, of being on drugs, but I don’t think that’s fair. However, after watching the video I don’t know what could be said about it that would be fair. Rep. Johnson definitely seems to have trouble talking, and focusing his thoughts, and staying awake. It seems to add credence to the theory that states that we send our most useless citizens to Washington D.C., to get rid of them.

Rep. Johnson tells the admiral at one point that he is concerned that, Guam being a small island, it would get "too overpopulated and tip over, and capsize." Really. A U.S. Congressman is worried that an island will capsize. And he said it with a totally straight face, acting like he expected a serious answer. And, in case you were wondering, there is no empirical scientific evidence that Rep. Johnson has, or has ever had, a sense of humor.

Later he tried to say he was just trying to be funny, or that he was referring to the island tipping over economically, or whatever his staff could come up with to try to control the damage. I don’t think it worked, but still, we shouldn’t expect a lot from congress. If they had any skills or intelligence they’d have real jobs.

But congress is not the only place in government where you can find monumental stupidity. Once representatives are found to be the morons they are, and are voted out of office, they can evidently slide right into jobs at the Environmental Protection Agency.

Perhaps you heard about the foreign oil skimming ship, supposedly the largest one in the world, that was offered for use in cleaning up the recent Gulf of Mexico oil spill. This thing could clean up oil from the ocean, in the words of Cletus Custer, noted international oil spill expert, "like nobody’s business." But the EPA turned it down, because when the ship sucked up ocean water, filtered the oil out, and pumped the water back into the ocean, the filtered water contained ‘traces of oil.’

Now, any third grader could tell you it would be better to leave ‘traces of oil’ in the gulf than to leave ‘millions of barrels of oil’ in the gulf. But the EPA obviously doesn’t hire people with the intelligence of third graders. It does, however, hire people who can follow The Rules, which is about all the EPA cares about.

I say this because of a post I found on a Chevy S10 forum board a while back. A serving member of the U.S. military, who was stationed in Germany, was about to retire and return to the states. He owned a Chevy S10 pickup, and wanted to bring it back with him. The army was going to ship his stuff home for him, but wouldn’t haul the pickup, because of an EPA regulation that said it had to have an EPA sticker somewhere under the hood. He couldn’t find the sticker, so he was stuck, so to speak.

Note that the rule was not that the pickup had to have tires, or a steering wheel, or a catalytic converter, or that it had to comply with U.S. emissions regulations. The rule was that it had to have an EPA sticker. As long as it had the sticker the EPA would be happy, even, evidently, if it didn’t meet any guidelines. And the rule, by George, had to be followed. Because it was a rule.

But the EPA has finally gone too far, I think, with the latest insane attempt it’s made to regulate the average American within an inch of his or her non-compliant life. Our government watchdog decided a while back to regulate farm dust, and impose fines for farmers who raised too much of it. Really.

Now, nobody likes having to breathe a bunch of dust, but you’d be hard put to find a way to farm without spreading the joy. I don’t know how you’d plow, or plant, or harvest, or fertilize, or anything without raising a cloud, unless it happened to be raining at the time. The EPA has been accused of a lot of things, but being realistic is not one of them.

I guess it won’t be long before our big brother decides to pass a law against forest fires, or pollen, or the virus that causes colds. And the universe will be expected to duly comply, or else.

You have to admit, however, that the EPA has a precedent when it comes to defying the laws of nature. They’ve already managed to circumvent the law of gravity. So there’s no use applying for a job with the EPA if you have your feet on the ground . . .

Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist who doesn’t really have anything against the Endemic Parasite Association. Write to him at PO Box 1600, Mason, Tx 76856 or

th Congressional District of Georgia. The video shows Rep. Johnson asking questions, in a formal congressional type setting, of a U.S. Navy admiral. The questions are about U.S. intentions to station more military personnel on Guam.

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