Just in case anyone is wondering, the town of Turkey, Texas did not change its name to Tofurky just to get a free vegetable meal from the space cadets at peta. Most of the people who live in Turkey probably ate turkey for Thanksgiving. And I hope that steams peta’s spinach, because they’ve got me pretty steamed, again, over their stamps.My friend, Patrick Wentworth, sent me some stuff about peta recently, and one things he sent was a story from the Huffington Post, which is a newspaper or something. This story said that peta was issuing a set of postage stamps, worth 44 cents and legal to use to send letters and stuff, depicting 20 famous vegetarians.Some of the people peta chose to put on the stamps are pretty lame, and not very famous, if you ask me. People like Steve-O, and Morrissey, and Joan Jett, and Leona Lewis. I never heard of those people. Well, OK, I heard of Joan Jett, but she could never sing for diddley.Then there are some people on the peta stamps who everybody’s heard of, but who you probably wouldn’t allow in your house if they came over. People like Pamela Anderson, and Ellen DeGeneres, and Cesar Chavez, and Paul McCartney. Those nuts probably do more harm for any cause they belong to than good. Whenver I see they’ve endorsed something, I avoid it like the plague.And then they’ve got some actor/celebrity types who are probably just misled, or stupid, or something. People like Woody Harrelson, and Bob Barker, and Natalie Portman. Probably nice folks who have been living in California so long they’ve lost touch with Earth.Besides the living wackos, peta also used some famous dead people, which is not really fair, since they aren’t around to protest. And I won’t even mention the fact that being a vegetarian may have killed these people. That’s just a guess, anyway, but the truth is that they’re definitely no longer with us, so there you go.This group includes Leonardo DaVinci, who was an Italian and, by all accounts, a pauper when he died, so he probably couldn’t afford meat anyway. And it includes Leo Tolstoy, who was a Russian, and therefore not an American. And it includes Pythagoras, who came up with some pretty good theories, as I recall, but was from some island somewhere, so what did he know?Pythagoras supposedly said, “For as long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other. Indeed, those who sow the seed of murder and pain cannot reap joy and love.” And we’ll get back to that quote in a minute, because of the most well-known vegetarian peta chose, for some reason, to leave off their stamps.And that vegetarian is Adolf Hitler, according to another story Patrick sent me, this one written by Walt Barnhart for Drovers Cattle Network. Hitler was a partial vegetarian all his life, but went whole hog, so to speak, in 1931, when his niece died. He was very vocal about his dietary habits, and tried to bully others into it. Joseph Goebbels, who was Hitler’s propaganda minister, once said, “the Fuhrer is a convinced vegetarian, on principle. His arguments cannot be refuted on any serious basis.” Which I’m sure was true, at least not without ending up extremely dead.The theory is that Hitler was hoping vegetarianism would cure his chronic flatulence, but it never worked. I’m vague on why he thought that would help, but if you’re interested you might check with any vegetarians you know. I’m going to pass on that one.Not only didn’t Hitler eat meat, he and the Nazis were big on animal rights. A 1933 Nazi document said, “The new Germany not only frees man from the curse of materialism, sadism and cultural Bolshevism, but gives the cruelly persecuted, tortured and until now, wholly defenseless animals their rights. The formal laws are imminent – thanks to the energetic initiative of our Peoples’ chancellor Adolf Hitler, for whom all friends of animals of the world will maintain forever their gratitude, their love and their loyalty.”I don’t know about that, but I think that little passage sheds a whole new light on the theory Pythagoras had, about what bad people meat eaters are. It also makes me wonder, if Hitler was such a champion for animals, why peta dissed him with their stamp thing. Maybe Ingrid Newkirk can clear that up for us.For the record, I still don’t have anything against vegetarians. I just don’t think they’re better than anyone else. And if someone tries to sell me a peta stamp, I’ll pack my own mail.I also won’t quit eating meat, especially at Thanksgiving and Christmas. And just in case any other problems come up, I’ll keep some Gas-Ex handy . . .
Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist and public speaker who shoots all his own vegetables, in fair chase. Write to him at PO Box 1600, Mason, Tx 76856 or firstname.lastname@example.org